Not Afraid ch 15 malec fic

CHAPTER 15

Alec PoV

Three weeks ago I told Magnus everything.

It had been a lot easier than I had feared, words just kept pouring out of my lips without thinking much about them, like they had been waiting a long time to just be free…hell, they probably were... It might sound cheesy like every cheap chick flick out there, but it had really felt like I had gotten rid of a huge weight around my chest, like suddenly I could breathe again and everything seemed a lot brighter, more manageable and easier.

Keeping that in mind I had taken the time to do some research. I still refused to go to therapy, no matter how much Izzy whined about it. So, my only chance to know a little more about how could it be easier to get around the idea of intimacy -I still got goosebumps every time I thought about last time we tried something-, was the internet. I got inside forums and help sites meeting a bunch of different people that had been through similar experiences. I read about how hard it had been for them to open up to people, to get their confidence back and finally, to make some sort of normal living, just then I found out that for some it had taken years to be able to handle somebody touching them.

I refused to put my life on hold for so long.

I fisted my hands looking at the night city lights through Magnus´ window. This place was beginning to feel more like home than my own loft, even if I had just slept here three nights. In here I felt safe, I felt good and comfortable. I was starting to think that the apartment was irrelevant, that the real feeling of home was all Magnus, his silky voice, his mischievous smile, hi catlike hypnotizing eyes, his flamboyant style, his caramel skin, the way his hair was all natural and sexy when he woke up in the morning, that little mewl-moan-thing he let escape every time he stretched after a nice nap…I sighed letting my back rest against the wall as I looked at the huge bed in the middle of the room. Magnus was sleeping completely oblivious of my inner troubles, I was glad for that because ever since the moment I told him everything, he had been haunted by nightmares and his eyes were constantly clouded with sadness and tiredness for the lack of sleep and the constant torture his dreams were putting him through.

I hated it.

It was my entire fucking fault. He was worried about me, about the guy that seemed unable to get better, to take care of himself…I was tired of feeling like that, I needed to show him, my siblings, my mother and myself that I was capable of getting up on my own, that I was strong enough to be okay…that really was the whole purpose of research. I wanted to be able to have some sort of sexual activity with my boyfriend, maybe not full on sex but at least something to show him that I was getting better, that his patience and caring were paying off, that I could do it.

Luckily, I had found some useful stuff.

Like for some people it was better to leave the lights on, so they could see the face of their partner the whole time, however, for others it was better in the dark so they could hide the scars and marks left in their bodies…they both seemed like great ideas and at the same time both of them had disadvantages so I really didn't know what to think on that matter.

Other advised mutual masturbating sessions before heading dead on to the sex…that was an idea I was really thinking to put to practice but…yeah, fucking BUT.

There were quite a lot of opinions and suggestions, but in most of the times, the people that could get into sexual relationships were the ones that had decided to instigate their partners saying that after getting more comfortable with sex, they had even tolerated the switch of dominance later on. The ones that had taken initiative said that the most traumatizing thing about their experience was the lack of control, the helplessness that came with the raping…I knew how they felt. Every time I had lost control with Magnus was either because he got terribly close to my scars or because seeing him above me reminded me a lot of that man. I told him that and of course he had taken it to heart and stopped trying to get close to me…people did that when you told them things like ´I wanted to push you away way before I did´ or ´I forced myself to kiss you´…yeah I already knew how big of an idiot I was, and now I terribly missed him, but I didn't want to try to get close to him again and end up chickening out at the last moment, that would probably kill every chance of him allowing us to get more physical, so I had promised myself that it was up to me to fix things and take the first step the next time we could give it another shot, which meant that I had to be strong for him and man up.

And that was exactly the problem.

I turned back to the window shaking my head knowing that the simple thought of trying to lead him, frighten me. Not just for my current problem, but because Magnus was charged with a really dominant personality, so thinking that he would let me manhandle him…was just pitiful. And yet, there was that kiss... the one we had shared on his birthday. He had been completely cooperative as I tried to devour him pushing his body to mine like I was trying to glue him to me for all eternity, simply craving for more.

I made a pained expression. Other than that one time, I hadn´t really felt that need for him. Yes, I had kissed him trying to give him back a little of what he had given me…but it had felt wrong and I had stepped away as soon as I had the chance -running to find shelter in the fucking bathroom completely scared- all because I couldn't bear the thought of him knowing what I felt…but then, maybe that was it. I hadn´t felt anything, I had merely acted how I was supposed to act, maybe if I…

"How long have you been awake?" spoke Magnus´ sleepy voice behind me making me lose that trail of thought.

"Don't know…couple of hours" I shrugged biting my lip hearing him move until his bare feet clapped the floor as he walked to me.

"One of the reasons I love this flat, is this view" he said standing next to me watching the beginnings of dawn behind the buildings "Want some breakfast? I´m in the mood for ice cream"

"It´s barely six" I chuckled letting my eyes trail along his face as the golden waves of the sun reflected into his golden skin making him simply breathtaking.

"It´s never too early for ice cream my dear" he raised a disapproving eyebrow before he turned around and walked to the door, then he stopped not looking at me "Was it a nightmare?" his fingers grasped the door frame.

"No" I made my way to his side "I just couldn't sleep anymore" I kissed his cheek not missing the small smile that action brought "Come on, spoil me with junk food" I took his hand walking to the kitchen.

"Okay then" we moved around the kitchen preparing two bowls of ice cream completely with whipped cream and cherries, then we went to his huge sofa sitting next to each other while he turned on the TV.

"How I met your mother, best thing ever for sleep deprived people" announced Magnus.

"I didn't want to wake you up, you need the rest" I spoke looking at my bowl.

"Hey, hey" he moved to cup my face making me look at him "Shut up, I rather be here doing nothing with you than sleeping" he pecked my lips before turning back to the TV.

As the show went on, our positions shifted resulting in the two bowls forgotten on the floor, my back resting against the arm of the couch and Magnus in my chest between my legs. It wasn't an unusual position for us, completely innocent and comfortable. Besides, more than once he had said how much he liked this, being that our statures were not that different and he didn't feel gigantic like he did with everybody else -not that he didn't love the power that came with height on a lot of occasions- also, that way he could stretch to his whole length and still be comfy.

Not being truly fond of the show I lost interest the moment the second episode started and attempting to find something to do I looked around the house searching for some sort of distraction as my hand traveled to his head, letting my fingers swim through his hair cherishing one of the rare moments where it was bare of any kind of products. A small sigh left his lips before he continued watching TV in silence as I focused my attention in his black strands. I continued with light movements watching how his hair passed through my fingers like ebony silk; I was pretty sure that a lot of fans would kill to have the chance to do this.

I chuckled at that thought.

"You don't laugh at all during the show but you chuckle during infomercials… should I be concerned?" he asked looking at me through amused eyes.

"I was thinking that I´m glad your fans seem to like me" I shrugged and rolled my eyes at his baffled expression "Please don´t make me say it, your ego is big enough for now, we wouldn't want another Jace walking the streets"

"Two things darling" he started looking incredibly outraged "First, do not compare me to your brother please, no need for insults" I snorted knowing full well that the main reason for their mutual dislike was that their huge egos couldn't fit in peace in one room for long "Second, I really don't have a clue what you´re talking about"

"Magnus, you have fans that I´m pretty sure would kill for doing what I´m doing right now" I sighed not even surprised by the self appreciative expression that took over his features.

"You mean that they would love to have me laid on top of them, bare of any product and grasping me by the hair as we watch comedic reruns?" I froze as his words played in my head until I began to feel dizzy.

Holy fucking shit.

"Sure" I was amazed that my voice decided to sound fairly normal given that my throat had completely dried out as a million images played inside my head…all of them featuring Magnus with much less clothes.

"Yeah, I´m glad they like you too" he grinned and went back to watch TV like he hadn´t turned my whole body on fire with his words. Seeing that for him that had been a harmless and unimportant comment, I tried to continue things normal, using all my concentration to keep my body from responding to my mental meltdown –before I literally poked him in the back with my over appreciative cock, which would probably lead to him bolting out of the couch and not getting close to me in God knows how long- and moving my fingers; that worked fine until I accidentally let my nails run through his scalp in one long motion feeling his whole body shudder at the action, as he made that little mewl-moan-thing that I loved automatically sending more fuel to my already overactive imagination killing all sorts of control I had left.

Driven by a strange need to hear more of the sounds he could make I let my other hand travel to his chest keeping my touches light, letting just the tips of my fingers ghost through his clothed torso. I sensed him stop moving and frowning before he moved his eyes gazing at my hand as I trailed it from his chest to his belly button letting my index finger around it in a slow motion, then continuing the trail until I brushed against his nipple making it harden against his shirt with every movement.

"Alec" I wet my lips hearing his breathless voice as I felt one of his hands grasp my knee. Part of me thought that this could be a bad idea but I was completely hypnotized by the way his body was responding to the lightest touch…how would he act if my finger was touching his skin? "What are you doing?" I closed my eyes sensing the weariness in his voice.

"Touching you" I ducked my head letting my nose trail through his neck inhaling his sweet smell. I had no idea what was different or why one plain sentence had triggered this hunger for him, but I refused to think about it knowing pretty well that my brain would fuck everything up. So I just let my body take over as my mind got swallowed in his essence.

"I can feel that" he chuckled relaxing his grasp in my leg and wiggling further up so our faces were almost at the same level and turning to look at me "May I ask, why?" he put his hand on top of mine stopping it´s movement.

"Do I need a reason to want to touch my boyfriend?" I kissed the corner of his lip before letting my forehead rest against the side of his head "I love you" He narrowed his eyes like he was trying to see what the hell was I thinking, but I didn't want to wait any longer, I couldn't lose this moment, this feeling and this sudden want for more, for everything…so I ignored his inquisitive look as I began leaving light kisses along his neckline.

"Alexander…" I noticed a little caution in his voice "What are you doing?" I blinked pondering his words knowing that I needed to give him an answer or he wouldn't let me get closer. What was I doing? Hadn't I just decided to wait until I was ready and wouldn't back down? "Its fine" I frowned, it was not fine. I wanted to continue touching him making his eyes darken and his voice delivering those sweet sounds just like before...

"I want to touch you" I said as my hand fought to be free and continue exploring his body. His hands shoot back to stop me.

"You don´t want this Alexander" his tone was a direct warning, clearly thinking that I was doing this for him.

"I think I get to decide that" I spoke a little harsh getting tired of being treated like a handicap. Trying to prove my point I fought to get my other hand under his shirt, but in an impressive demonstration of speed and grace, Magnus got up and stepped away from the couch.

"I mean it Alec, it was hard enough for you to get over the last time; we agreed to wait" he was saying as his hands rose in front of him in an apologizing gesture. Still frowning, I followed his movements walking until I was merely a foot away from him.

"You were the one to decide that, not me" I clarified taking that one last step "I want you, I want to feel your skin against mine, I want to hear all the sound you could make, I want you to touch me and make me forget my own fucking name, I want us to find pleasure in each other…I want to have sex with you" in a second I was witness of the effect my words had, his eyes shined in a predatory gaze looking at me like I was freaking edible...I shivered.

The fucking good -toes curling, cock twitching- kind of shiver.

"Alec..." he shook his head in an attempt to clear it from evil and sinful thoughts about his fragile boyfriend. I was sick of that. So, before he could do much, I fisted his shirt and pushed him until his back was hitting the wall not caring about the tingle in my cheeks reminding me that probably my whole face was completely red "What's going on with you?" His blown eyes searched for mine as he asked, this time his voice sounding husky and deep, and all I wanted was to hear him speak like that for eternity. I shook my head before going for his lips almost crazy with the need to taste them again.

As usual, his kiss started slow and tentative. Normally I wouldn't mind, just being content with having his lips against mine, but not today. Today I wanted to push him, to remind him that I was a man and not the frighten seventeen year old he had met, so I pressed him eager for more, teasing with my tongue and biting his lower lip as my body forced his even further against the wall. He let out a broken moan making me push even harder until he fucking growled and gave me that same intensity letting our mouths dance furiously making my whole body vibrate. I felt like he had started a fire inside my bones and it was spreading all over my body until it consumed every inch of it. I became intoxicated with him. Taking in his taste, his scent and his touch. It had been too long since we had let everything go, since any of us got carried away by passion turning our kissing into a lustful demonstration of need. I had been too afraid to feel, and he had been too worried to push, but something had happened in those three weeks, something that I had yet to name, but that had showed me how much I was letting go to waste because I was too caught up inside my fears.

I was still frightened. Terrified of the shadows that hunted me in my dreams, but I was more afraid to lose him for a second time, and this time I wouldn't have anyone to blame but myself. I had seen how much my pain affected him, how much he suffered for my sake and I refused to keep going through that path.

Any thought I could still formulate became dust as his hands tangled into my black locks making me moan low in my throat, apparently he wasn't the only one with a hair kink. Just as I went around deciding that I needed to breathe soon, he pulled my head back making me grunt in protest before he made me look into his yellow-green eyes silently urging me to answer as we both tried to even our breaths. I blinked a couple of times trying to remember his question.

"I'm tired" I finally whispered letting my head fall against his shoulder "Tired of being a liability, of being the weak one and always having someone thinking that they should take care of me" I let my hands rest on his hips possessively. The one thing that I was sure about was that I would do anything to keep him with me, that I was not ready to let him go.

Thank God he seemed to think the same.

"Alec...I've already told you, you are strong...!"

"Then let me make my own fucking choices!" I yelled looking at his eyes "I'm man enough to know when I feel something and when I don't" I sighed passing a hand through my face "Three weeks ago I made a mistake...I wanted to rush things and pressure myself into...the mood" I swallowed looking down "I should've told you that I wasn't feeling it, that as much as I love kissing you, I didn't...well..."

"Rise to the occasion" he said with a faint smile.

"Yeah, I guess" I snorted knowing that my cheeks were probably neon pink by now.

"You should've told me"

"I tried" I whispered and it took him a minute to curse letting his head fall back. I had already known that he hadn't understood my feeble attempt to stop things; after all he seemed rather stunned when I had bolted out of bed.

"Fuck" he cursed hitting his head on the wall wincing. I noticed that he stubbornly kept his eyes anywhere but me "I´m sorry"

"It´s okay, I should´ve told you…let´s focus on now" I cupped his face "And right now, I´m freaking horny for my sexy flamboyant boyfriend who, frankly, is playing really hard to get" he chuckled before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

"Do you really want to do this?"

"Yes"

"It might not work…"

"We won´t know unless we try"

"When did you become the confident one?" he teased raising an eyebrow. I shrugged seeing him moisture his lips as his eyes showed me his internal battle. He was clearly up for it, I could feel him against my hip as a huge distraction from our talk; however, there was another part of him that refused to let the other night go, a part that was still scared to hurt me.

"I love you. I need you…" I hugged him hiding my face inside the crook of his neck hoping to convince him "Please, let´s just…try" we stood like that for who knows how long until I heard a faint sigh that sounded terribly like a yes…

And then I found myself pinned against the wall with Magnus fucking grinning like a predator as his eyes surveyed my body, lingering just in the right places before they locked on my own. He was testing me, searching for the minimal trace of fear before really making up his mind. I returned his stare willing to erase all worries from the troubled shades in his yellow-green gaze…and just then it hit me, the truth that I had been too idiotic to acknowledge before this moment.

I knew he loved me. I was sure he freaking loved me so much, that would rather die than hurt me.

That simple and yet so complicated truth was the only thing I needed to remember to erase those fears. The people in the web were right. I just needed to see him, Magnus, my fucking reason to keep on going. I had to really look at the man I loved to be sure, to be fearless and to grin like an idiot before pulling him to me welcoming this elated feeling of freedom with the taste of his lips firmly against my own.

I was sure.

I wanted him.

I needed him.

I fucking craved for him. And I was planning to show him how much, even if we ended up naked for the rest of our lives to do it.