Not Afraid ch 4 Malec Fic

Six years ago…

I was running. My legs ached and burned not completely used to the workout; my chest hurt from the lack of air, I couldn't even breath right; my face felt cold, stinging from the fine cold breeze of December…I had told them, I told my parents that I was gay and they threw me out, calling me every name in the book…you weren't supposed to do that to your seventeen year old son! Where was the real parental love? With my teary eyes I couldn't see a crack in the sidewalk and tripped going to the ground hard, my knees and hands stung bleeding lightly, I didn't care. I passed my clothed hand through my face to clean away my tears before standing up and walking the rest of the way to a cafe where I knew Magnus loved to hang out…I needed him, I needed to see his reassuring smile, his soft eyes, I needed to have him there telling me that things would be all right, that this pain I felt would submit over time…I wanted him, plain and simple, he was the reason I had told my parents the truth, not wanting to keep him away, I wanted to show him how much I cared about him. I sniffed as I pushed the entrance door open and looked around hoping I didn't look as pathetic as I felt…There he was…with another guy´s arm around his shoulder…I stopped cold feeling the rest of my broken heart shatter little by little…but I couldn't believe it, maybe he was just a friend, Magnus was a really touchy person it was nothing it was…he was kissing Magnus. My whole world started spinning, but I couldn't believe it…I had thought we had something, something good and special, I was certain that I loved him and I thought he cared about me too…I took a couple of steps before standing in front of them.

"M-Magnus?" he stopped kissing the other guy and turned to look at me with a bored expression.

"Oh, hi Alec" he gave me a fake smile, one that I had only seen him portray when he talked to his producer "This is Gerardo, he´s from Spain" he kissed the guy´s cheek slowly, then gave two faint kisses into his jaw and neck "Anything you want darling?"

"Y-you´re kissing another guy" I spoke lamely feeling my cheeks turn pink in embarrassment.

"Well I am captain obvious, anything else?"

"I-I t-thought we…"

"We? Alec darling, there is no we" he interrupted me without losing his mile until he widen his eyes and let out a dry chuckle "Wait, wait…you didn't think…oh my god you did! You thought we were together?" at this even the other guy started chuckling, my throat started closing and my eyes began to burn trying to get tears out, but no, I was not going to cry in front of him…not even if thanks to him my heart was no more than dust.

"Yes" I said simply gathering the little strength I had left to look him in the eye, his yellow-green eyes looking at me back indifferently.

"Aww poor thing…darling we are barely friends, I´m sorry but someone like me could never go out with someone like you" he looked me from head to toe like I was an ugly Christmas sweater…I couldn't take this anymore.

"You know…I´ve just told my parents that I´m g-gay…a-and you know what? They told me they hated me, they called me a fag, they threw me out of the house and told me that I was no son of theirs…I did it for you…because I didn't want you to think that I was ashamed of you" I lowered my gaze letting out a dark chuckle "I guess it was the other way around…I´m glad they didn't give me the time to tell them…imagine a poor gay looser son and that thought the most amazing guy could love him when he really was a charity work…I guess I´m lucky, right?" I raised my eyes and smiled at him "Good bye Magnus" I took a step back noticing everyone in the establishment looking at me, I was sure I was completely blushed but I still walked out swearing to myself that I wouldn't let anyone in again…I was too young to have suffered this much, first loving –or thinking that I loved- someone that could never love me back they way I wanted him to, and then…loving a person like I couldn't even think I could love and having my heart crushed by that same person…it was too much.
>>End of flashback

I was sure that if I dropped a needle I would be able to hear it like a drum at this moment. I had told Jace my greatest and most embarrassing secret…it was weird how I wasn't that affected by telling it, I felt calm…maybe a little anxious about what he would do but nothing more…maybe time did cure this sort of stuff…at least the burning shame, because I was completely sure I still loved Magnus like a maniac.

"Would you mind if I killed him?" asked Jace making me chuckle even if he sound pretty angry it felt good to have him there.

"Sadly…I would" I looked at my hands in shame…yay me for falling for the impossibles. Damn, this was overly embarrassing, there I was all pathetic in front of Jace, the less pathetic person I knew...who was giving me a frown.

"Fuck, Alec, do you still like him?" I nodded silently "And you went with him that night? Even after what he did to you?" another nod…yes I knew I had screwed up, no need to remind me.

"I was drunk, I didn't stop to think about what I was doing…besides he didn't recognize me, I figured we could…spend the night and then be gone in the morning…just to know how could've been" I looked away knowing that my face was probably neon pink by now. We stood silent for a while, it was a little awkward but after being the last one to know that I was gay, Jace had demanded more thrust from me and here it was…and I was kind of happy that he wasn't backing away even if it was weird for him to talk about this.

"That's why you asked us if you had changed, right?" his voice wasn't as faint as before but both of us knew he shouldn't be talking this much if he wanted to perform in three days.

"Y-yeah…" I sounded my throat "But he…he found this" I showed him my necklace, the small silver rune hanging from the chain "He said that it was an ancient rune that would give me confidence in myself…its called fearless…I felt kind of weird without it so I never took it off…I never do" I caressed it with my thumb, maybe I was a fool for liking that thing this much, but something told me that it wasn't just a simple gift, that when he gave it to me he had meant his words…maybe just taking pity on me.

"So you went to his apartment, then what happened?"

"We kissed, he found this, he turned on the lights and he saw who I was…the moment he whispered my name I snapped out of it and panicked…then I ran and here we are…"

"You mean…you know where he lives?"

"It's all kind of foggy, not completely sure" I shook my head, Jace passed a hand through his face before letting his head fall to the couch.

"Do you know what's so special about Clary?" he inquired crossing his hands behind his head and closing his eyes.

"That she's immune to your charm?" I asked in a not too happy voice, I didn't hate Clary anymore but I did not agree to talk about her when we were supposed to be talking about my problems.

"No" he opened one eye to glare at me "And she's not, she's just playing hard to get" he closed his eye again "She's special because I remembered her" I snorted a disbelieving laugh but he kept talking like he hadn't been interrupted "She made such an impact in my life that I couldn't forget about her even if I tried to go out with other girls…she was constantly in my mind, that's when I decided to stop trying to get my mind of her" he eyed me like with that I would see some kind of light…I was lost.

"I still don't know what this has to do with me" he rolled his eyes.

"It's not hard to know that the only Magnus and I have in common is that we're both players" he grinned smugly and it was my turn to roll my eyes even if I also knew that was true "But he remembered you…not just a hint, he remembered he gave you that necklace and he remembered your name…I think that it was kind of like Clary and I…" he trailed off looking at me waiting for some sort of reaction, sorry I was still lost "He still likes you Alec…and I don't know about what happened all those years ago but if you…the most pessimistic person I know, got to think that he felt something for you its probably because he did feel something" I grimaced…no way in hell that Magnus cared or had ever cared about me, he had said it to my face, I was not going to start hoping again only because Jace and his new found romanticism wanted me to.

"Magnus it's not like you, he doesn't care about me…he just has a really good memory" I stood up "I don't want to keep talking about this, you need to finish that song and I need to sleep…"

"You have to help me with the song, I might be able to speak but I can't sing a word" the bastard grinned knowing that I wouldn't refuse.

"Fine" I glared at him crossing my arms.

"I'm hungry"

"So?"

"Feed me"

"Go feed yourself…"

"It's your place, I'm a guest you have to feed me…and besides there's nothing on the fridge"

"I have no money to get your junk food" he took out his wallet moving it in front of me.

"But I do, I'll buy you deliver" I wanted to punch him but at the same time I wanted some of this brotherly afternoon…and yet again, damn him! I snatched the wallet from his hands, took the money and walked out of the apartment.

As I marched to the nearest store I decided to let my mind travel around the pop star…a part of me wanted to think that he was hopeful when he had found out who I was, that perhaps he had thought of me in all that time…yet another part wanted to kick myself in the balls for being such a dreamy wimp and…

"Ah!" I jumped when I felt something in my foot, right after that I looked around completely blushed for my little panic attack, gladly I didn't see anyone close…just a little white ball of fur hanging on my right shoe. I frowned before looking at it closely and rolling my eyes when I distinguished two pointy ears and a little tail…a cat had scared the shit out of me, glad you're already gay Alec. I kneeled down to take its little claws away from my vans only to be looked by a big pair of yellow-green eyes "You've got to be kidding me" I groaned pray of another destiny's prank…seriously? Hating the little cat's eyes I shook it away from my shoe and stomped the rest of the way fuming, something really wanted me to NOT stop thinking about Magnus. I got inside the store and made a quick trip gathering some soda, chips and popcorn thinking that maybe later we could order some take out. I paid and walked out carrying the bags, when I was outside I took a deep breath thinking that maybe coming here was right for my temper, it helmed me cool off…until I heard a faint meow from bellow.

"Really?" I looked at the white kitting that kept eyeing me with those eyes "You followed me here?" I lowered myself to take it between my hands, maybe it was the fact that it was a tiny cat or those hypnotizing eyes but I kind of had the feeling that I had to take care of it, that it was important. I moved to look at its collar finding nothing but the strangest name I had ever seen "Chairman Meow" I chuckled "Well your owner must have quite an imagination…I guess I can keep an eye for somebody looking for you" I sighed starting my walk back home.

When I reached the building I raised my eyebrow noticing Isabelle's car parked in front of it…well after telling Jace I couldn't dodge the truth from her, I didn't love the idea but I had no choice. I carefully placed Meow inside my jacket not wanting the doorman to see him, it was forbidden to have pets in the building, but no one could find this little guy if I kept it hidden in my apartment.

"Afternoon Mr. Johnson" I smiled waving at him, he waved back and before going back to his news paper. I hurriedly climbed the stairs and got inside my place smiling at the cat that was looking rather comfortable in my chest. I moved to look at my siblings calmly watching TV, Izzy was sitting with a pillow on her stomach and Jace laying on that pillow taking most of the space in the sofa.

"Hey Iz" I greeted her letting the bags at the coffee table and sitting on the floor petting the cat's head.

"Hey…Aww who's that?" she squeaked moving to pet the cat almost throwing Jace out of the couch.

"Watch it!" he groaned before lifting him eyebrow to the cat "Another dying soul without a place?" he mocked, yeah I had a thing for helping people and pets, he moved to caress the cat and surprisingly Meow stirred and scratched his hand, I chuckled at the distraught expression that crossed my brother's features.

"I think he doesn't like you" I grinned loving the idea of someone liking me more than him…it was too rare to not do it.

"Stupid ball of hair" he muttered before taking the chips and started eating.

"So, Alec" began Izzy, I stiffened knowing where she was going with that tone.

"Jace tells me you told him about Magnus" I kept silent as she played with her phone clearly only to not get me too nervous, it was kind of working not having her eyes on me "What would you do if he found you and tried to talk to you?"

"Do don't know the story, how…?"

"I'm a girl Alec" she sighed like she thought that I was an idiot that didn't understand the simplest things "Reading the song you wrote and seeing the way you acted, is obvious that you met him before, you totally love him –I thought this even before all this drama- and that song you wrote just confirmed everything" she bit her lip "So? Would you give him a chance?" Would I? I didn't know, and even more why were my two siblings trying so hard to get me in terms with Magnus, they didn't know him, the just knew how hard he had been on me…well Jace knew…this was so confusing.

"I don't know, he will never do it so why bother thinking about it?" I shrugged hugging the cat trying to keep hollowness away from me.

"Don't be so sure" she moved to sit next to me and put her phone on my hands "Magnus twetted this about an hour ago" I swallowed before looking at the phone and for a moment I was sure my heart had stopped beating when I read his latest tweet.

MyFlanboyantSelf Magnus Bane

Blue eyes, I'm sorry…could we start again?

My whole world started spinning…this was for me, I was completely sure about it but why, why after three weeks? Should I believe in him, should I even be thinking of talking to him?

"Again Alec…what are you going to do?" asked my sister softly.