Not Afraid ch 11 Malec Fic

CHAPTER 11

Alec PoV

A week had passed since I had woken up at the hospital. Things had been tense for everybody and I hated every second of it. In the beginning I had honestly tried to speak to Jace again, to handle the idea that Magnus didn't want to leave my side, to understand why suddenly Isabelle wanted to know my every freaking move and to cope with my mother's constant attempts of retribution… until I reached a breaking point and shoved everyone away.

First I snapped at my mother, almost telling her to go fuck herself and leave me alone… that still made me shudder because I had never lost my temper like that. Then Jace hadn't apologize, and I knew he wouldn't do it, but for clear reasons I couldn't stand him and his pride at that moment… I had warned him a thousand times that things would go wrong if he kept at it. Of course, he had ignored me and like every fun twist fate had in hand, the bad thing had happened to me and he couldn't grow enough balls to accept his mistake and fucking apologize to me. After I had successfully gotten rid of my mother and brother, it was time to deal with my sister. She was determined on getting me to visit a shrink, saying that all these outbursts were caused all the emotional drama I had going on… which was probably right but that didn't mean that I wanted a complete stranger to psychoanalyze me; that was exactly what I had told her –sort of, more like yelled at her- before she got mad and told me to go do something anatomically impossible and stormed out of the hospital.

And that had only left me with a thoughtful Magnus Bane.

"I can go if you ask; no need to yell at me," he said, narrowing his eyes at me.

"I know I was rude but I don't want to be near anybody right now," I murmured, keeping my gaze down. After my whole freaking flashback marathon I hadn't been able to relax again. I felt the ghost of those men around me every time I closed my eyes. I could handle that… barely… but I couldn't stand the knowing looks everybody gave me every time I flinched or got lost in thought. I hated it, and I knew I needed some time alone to get in control again, to be able to hold the sanity I had left and try to make a person out of myself again.

"Not even me." I closed my eyes at his words because they were a statement, not a question. "Just tell me what you want, Alexander." A shiver ran through my body at the sound of his voice calling me like that in a way that almost seemed intimate.

"I want to be alone," I whispered, somehow knowing that he would hear me. "…I-I need some time." I heard him moving, his footsteps getting closer and I could only hug myself, not liking the power he seemed to have over me when I was in this state. Normally he was as silent as a cat, but I knew that he was making the noise on purpose because I still refused to look at him, knowing that one peek would be the only thing needed for me to beg him to not leave me.

"I already put my number on your phone," he said when he was standing next to my bed, probably signaling at the new phone Isabelle had gotten me. "I won´t try to reach you, but Alec… please, please know that I´m only a couple of words away, no matter how busy I am or if I´m in the middle of a concert… I will come." My heart was beating erratically and I could have sworn it came to a stop when a soft set of knuckles came in contact with my cheek. It was so soft and gentle that I wanted to hold his hand and make it continue. Luckily my brain won that war and I just kept quiet and unmoving.

"I will," I managed to say in a small voice, before giving myself permission to open my eyes and see his yellow-green ones completely fixed on me.

"See you later." He half smiled before taking a step back, looking like it had taken all his will power to do it. Then he turned around and got out.

After that, Isabelle had come back. Being her bitchy, stubborn self, she had yelled at me for pushing Magnus away, and I had just stared at her, too tired to try to make her understand what was going on in my head. Right after the whole incident with Magnus six years ago, I had promised myself that I had to become strong, I had to be independent. I couldn't trust anybody because I knew they would end up leaving me… I didn't believe this just because I thought I would be a loner my whole life, or because I thought that nobody loved me, but because I knew disappointment all too well. My parents love had done it, Magnus and now Jace… part of me feared that it was a matter of time before Isabelle did it too, and that was not a happy thought at all.

"And that translates to shrinks," I told the white ball of fur that was resting on my pillow next to me like he had done every day since I had gotten out of the hospital. I was half convinced that no more sleep would come for me. I was getting used to this routine; go to sleep some hours, be awoken by a nightmare or my own crazy thoughts and then make like a zombie the whole day until I was tired enough to try to sleep again… healthy, right? "I bet you slept better than me, didn't you?" I was greeted with a pair of eyes so much like Magnus', preventing me to from looking away. Sometimes I felt that Meow was able to understand me, and for the last week, he had been the only company I had allowed myself to have. Just a pair of ears, no judgment or stupid suggestions. "I hate it when people start going to shrinks to solve their problems, I think they become dependent of them and I don't want that… I know it would help me, but first I want to get over this on my own." I sighed, taking the small cat and placing it on my chest where it purred contently, probably enjoying my body heat. I swallowed, feeling my stomach grumbling before I grimaced. I had myself on a just liquids and soft food regiment because, well, going to the restroom was not a fun experience. I was about to try to go back to sleep when my phone began beeping, signaling that I had a new text. I took it and a small frown formed in my face when I saw that it was from Magnus. I opened it and read it.

I knw I sad tht I wouldn't bothr u but…r u ok?

I smiled in spite everything, first because it was nice to hear from him, to see that even after pushing him away he kept his word and stuck around, and second because it was obvious that he would text like a teenager, just like Jace and Izzy. I bit my lip before replying.

I'm hungry. I'm thinking pancakes.

"Screw my diet, I need something eatable," I told the cat scratching its ears prior hearing my phone beep again.

7pm Pancakes? Does this mean tht u´v just wokn up? Lol lazy ass

I chuckled, way to lighten the mood. I had always managed to be a light sleeper. For that I was the ever present insomniac in the family, always up early in the morning and sleeping until late night. Not now. I spent most of my time lying in bed, like the entire emotional tornado that was inside my head had taken a bill to my body, exhausting me to unknown levels, but at the same time being the constant thing that kept me awake… God I missed good old resting naps.

Yeah... want some breakfast for dinner?

I blinked seeing the small SENT message in the screen, before thinking of what I had just done. I had practically invited him over. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why had I done that? I couldn't see him, not yet. I was still a mess… not the best moment to see him. I was tempted to send him another text when I saw his fast reply flash on the screen.

Can't. Loved to. but currently on new album. U should write a song for me.

I looked at the cat like he could confirm what I had just read; I swallowed, not knowing if I could do that when another text came to my phone.

WITH ME. Not for me…srry.

I had no idea what to say to that because it was tempting as hell. I wanted to do it, but he was already working on the album, I didn't know if I would be ready for that. I passed my hand over my face, thinking that the only way to get over all that had happened was to move on… or at least try to move on.

I'll think about it.

I groaned loudly, before taking Meow with my hand standing up in one move, regretting it instantly when everything began to spin. Once my room had steadied itself, I walked to the kitchen to prepare something to eat, the pancakes completely forgotten. Thinking that it was way too quiet, I turned on the small TV I had, letting it go on any random channel Isabelle had probably left it playing as I poured some food for Meow.

"And now for the story of the week! We all know about Magnus Bane's mystery man." Some guy was saying while I found a cereal box and sat at the table, not really paying much attention to him. "Well, we might have an idea of who that is." I froze prior slowly turning my head to the screen, seeing the couple of pictures they had since Magnus' birthday… fuck that seemed ages ago. My fingers found my phone again and I began texting furiously as the man continued speaking. "First we all were in complete shock when this guy finally contacted our dear Maggie via twitter." I hit send.

E! news. NOW!

I bit my lip, waiting for Magnus' reply or reaction. I had no real idea what I expected as I continued with my whole attention on the TV. "A romantic reencounter at a park… well one fan got us this, I can see that things didn't work out very well." I fisted my hands when a photo of him came out. He was looking relatively normal, a blue hoodie, a yellow tee –his favorite one if I was not mistaken… God, I was pathetic for remembering that after so long… wow he actually still had that thing! - jeans and vans… completely hot.

A knot began to form in my chest when I noticed his hunched shoulders, his head down and his hair hiding his eyes. I hated that I had left him like that, I knew that there was nothing I could have done but still, I hated seeing him suffering. "The great Magnus Bane got stood up, that's something I had never imagined! Who does this bastard think he is?" I let my head fall on my hand. It was like hearing the bullies talking all over again; who was I? The wimpy nerdy kid that loved to hang out with the coolest guy around… somebody that kept the greatest man at bay because he was afraid of the past "I'm telling you, if I meet this guy I will kill him for doing this to Maggie." I snorted at the name, I knew by heart that Magnus hated being called like that, but his producer had always used that name, and some people had heard it and now he had to put up with it. "Back to business… well, some people say that Magnus spent the last week inside a hospital… special informants told us that he came as THE BOYFRIEND of the sick person, and now people, I know this doesn't tell us a thing but, at that same moment Nephilim's hot vocalist Jace Lightwood was inside the building taking care of his injured brother." My lungs began to close at his words… no, please not now. My hands clenched around my phone just at the moment it started beeping when I got a call.

"Keep breathing. Don't freak…" said Magnus through the phone. He kept quiet as the man on the show continued his chatter.

"Some of you might not know Alexander Lightwood from looks, but I'm pretty sure you know his work, being that he's the main writer of the band 'Nephilim'… anyways, here's one photo of this hot piece of ass." I flinched at his choice of words, suddenly feeling like… just a piece of ass for everyone to enjoy.

"Asshole," I heard Magnus' distant whisper. His voice was low and dangerous, like he knew what was going on inside my head. I didn't even pay any attention to the photo, focused only on Magnus' voice, breathing and the host's words.

"Oh yes, your eyes are not mistaken, he has blue eyes," smirked the man like he had earned a million dollars. The way things worked in the industry, he probably had. "We still have some pieces to complete the puzzle, but I promise you that I will have the whole story before you know it…" I turned off the TV with shaking hands. One of the perks of being the writer of the band was that no one cared about me, and the ones that did were decent people that could manage a nice small talk. I loved being away from the spotlight, the attention and dramas my siblings often enjoyed… and now one as big as a Mexican telenovela had blown up right in my face.

"I'm sorry," said the pop singer through the phone.

"It's not your fault," I managed to say, still a little breathless. My whole body was on the edge, like my subconscious felt that something was about to happen and I was everything but ready to handle the situation.

"I led them to you… God Alec, we'll figure something out, I will keep them away from you, I promise." I closed my eyes, thinking that sleep some more sounded like a wonderful idea, but I was too shaken up to think of a peaceful nap. "Alec?"

"Just… I need time… I-I'm a little better." He snorted, mirroring my thoughts. Like hell I was. "I just need time." I was hung up fighting back the memories as I looked around my house. It was familiar, home, but for some reason it didn't feel quite right… maybe I couldn't do this in my own.

"Alec?"

"Yeah?" His voice had sounded soft and somehow hopeful.

"I think I know what could help you… you need to write. Remember all those times bullies got to you, it's the best way…"

"It's not the same."

"Of course it's not the same! You're far worse! Please, can I come over tomorrow? Let me help you…"

"Why do you think you´re the only one that can help me? You left me, how do I know you won't do that again! How could I trust you again? Why do you even want to be with me?" I was shaking, feeling torn apart. I was afraid of trusting him, of letting him near me, even if he had somehow squeezed inside my life again… but on the other hand I missed him so freaking much.

"Because I love you Alexander."

Magnus PoV

Silence. Was all that had answered me before my ears were filled with the beeping sound of the phone. I closed my eyes before I put my phone down and turned my eyes at to TV screen, too numb and troubled to give it enough attention.

I had the worst timing, I knew that. The thing was that I had sensed so much heartbreak and desperation inside his voice that I had blurted out those words even before I realized it. I didn't regret it, not one bit, because now that I had voiced my feelings I could understand things a little better. Why was Alec so important? Why I hadn't been able to stop thinking about him over six years? Why the sudden desire to call that stupid show and yell at the world that yes, he was mine and I loved him… but of course I couldn't do that because thanks to my past actions he had completely shut himself away from the world.

I saw my guitar laying on the ground, the same one that I had been using the day we met… so many stupid decisions one could make in so little time. Now at least I knew what his worst fear was; he was afraid of trusting and letting people in again, and I was the cause of that.

"Are you going out tomorrow?" asked Ragnor from the other side of the room.

"Of course."

"He hung up on you Mag, I think you're taking too much effort on…" he shut up when I glared at him.

"Didn't you hear me? I love him and I won't stop until I make him better." And making him write a song with me was the best way to do it.